WHERE'S THE PAIN

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I went for my second "filling" today. Again the doctor made me cry. My take on this band has been that it should create discomfort or even pain when I eat the wrong thing or too much and I should feel full when I eat 3 ounces of chicken. Okay, well now I get what he is saying, of course it took me crying in front of him for him to say it. He told me today that he understands I am still hungry, but when I go in and tell him that I can eat anything I want, it tells him that I'm not trying to stick with the "plan" (protein only). Whereas if I go in and tell him I'm sticking with the plan and still feeling very hungry, then it shows him that I'm doing my part and the band needs to be tightened. Otherwise, I'm shoving carbs in my mouth which in turn make you hungrier, so he doesn't know if the band needs to be tightened or if I need to change my diet. I have to fight through the hunger until the next fill. I will lose weight with feeling hungry, but he can adjust the band accordingly. If I continue to eat the way I'm eating he could adjust the band but eventually I would stretch the saline pouches to where the band would not be effective.

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So now I know I must give myself 8 weeks with a fill and sticking to the diet. If I feel hungry, he says eat more protein, but whatever I do, do not exceed 20 grams of carbs a day. I don't know if any of you read labels, but 20 carbs is NOTHING! Well actually I think nothing even has 1 carb in it!

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I know I can do this for at least 8 weeks. Good grief how many diets have I done for a month, two months, even three months only to fall off and gain more back. This way I at least won't be gaining any weight back. Hopefully I won't need another fill to help me feel full, but if I do by golly there will be no more making me cry because I have failed, it will ALL be on the band.

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By the way he was upset with me because I hadn't followed his diet plan, but I did lose one more pound and considering I was shoving carbs in my mouth I think that was pretty darn good. The old days I would have put on at least 10 pounds.

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Biggest Loser Season 8

Well I didn't make the show! It's okay. I know that God's plan is always carried out and this was not in it. I know some of you are thinking what in the world would God have to do with the Biggest Loser, well, you never know how his love can be used on such a show and I was ready to be that vessel.

Now on to other weight loss issues. I have yo-yoed with 5 or 6 pounds over the last 2 months and I'm sick of it. I am glad the Biggest Loser thing is over so I can concentrate on my band and diet. I did go back for that first fill and I was so upset with the Doctor because first he has no empathy and second somehow he talked me into the fill. With tears in my eyes I went over to the hospital to get the first fill. He put 4 cc's of saline in the port to fill the band and felt that was enough for the first fill. He said with the aid of the xray he was able to double what could be done in the office. I'm thinking okay, now lets see some action! I stay on a liquid diet for 2 days and then introduce solid foods. I'm very good at first about just eating the protein. I have my eggs for breakfast, my chicken at lunch and then within 20 minutes of eating my chicken I'm starving. He had said then eat more protein if I continue to get hungry, so I did and I did. Now of course your next course of action should be to eat vegetables, but we all know how that doesn't work for me, so before I know it I'm adding a baked potato (with butter) and then bread. I'm eating pizza, desserts and not drinking the amount of water I should be doing. I have good days and bad days and I think that because of a chance of going on the show I may not have given it all of my determination.

My next fill is scheduled for the 6th of May, but I think I'm calling tomorrow and see if I can move it up and I'm going to tell them to "ratchet" that thing on down, because I NEED that feeling of discomfort in order to pay attention to what is going in my mouth. I really want to go ahead and add a trainer to my regiment, but because of cost I will have to wait. I'll be saving and if any of you come across any extra dough, send it my way!

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Thanks to all of you who supported me on this journey with the Biggest Loser and I will continue to need your support throughout my ever-ending journey of weight loss! I will be back to blogging so keep checking in.

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I love all of you very much!

Calling all Losers!

For those who haven't heard, I went to Louisville, KY this weekend and tried out with my niece, Stephanie for the Biggest Loser. After 6 hours in the cold, wind and some rain, but also with a lot of fun under our belt, we were finally called inside. Long story short, I was called back for a 2nd interview. I went back to Louisville on Tuesday and the interview went great! I have to send a videotape in now and wait.

I tell you all of this to tell you that today was suppose to be my first fill. Because of the opportunity of the Biggest Loser, I don't think I will get the fill. I will talk to my doctor about it, but I don't want anything to compromise my chances and without a fill I'm eating how I ate before I ever had surgery, which puts me on a level playing field with other potential contestants. Also, if I make it to the show, I'll need to be able to eat more than I could with a fill. I don't think 3 ounces of chicken alone will supply the kind of nutrition or energy it would require.

This has been a blast and as I told Steph, the journey is as exciting as the destination, so enjoy the trip!

Questions and Answers

Well, well, well. It’s been awhile hasn’t it? Am I on the wagon or off the wagon? What have I been doing? How much weight have I lost or gained? What is going on? All these questions seem to be going through most of your minds and I am here to answer at least some of them. I am doing fairly well with the diet, but not as well as I should. I am HUNGRY most of the time and until I get that fill I think I will continue to struggle. I have been working out usually 4 to 5 times a week and have continually increased my speed and time on the treadmill. I have as of this morning gained 4 pounds and am ticked off at myself and at the band. I do, however, think part of this is fluid because I have had more salt than I’m used to.

Just to let you know what a typical day is suppose to be I’ll list my menu.

Breakfast
2 eggs scrambled with ¼ cup of mozzarella cheese

2 – 16 oz. of water before lunch

Lunch
3 oz. grilled chicken breast with 2 tbsp of BBQ Sauce or Teriyaki Sauce

2 – 16 oz. of water before dinner

Dinner
3 oz. grilled salmon with 2 tbsp of Teriyaki Sauce

1 – 16 oz. water before bedtime

I have no problem with breakfast and lunch isn’t too bad, but when it comes to dinner, I am starving and instead of eating 3 oz. I will eat 6 oz. and if I can find anything else that sounds good to me like BREAD, then I’m all over it. I will say that my husband, God love him, has tried to make sure none of the “bad” items are in the house, but it is unfair to him not to have certain things like a baked potato with his meal. Baked potatoes are not on my menu because they are bad carbs but when I’m hungry I will eat the baked potato. He tries to discourage my indulgence, but I am quick to tell him he is not my keeper and he better back off! I think it’s kind of like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Of course an occasional baked potato or even a snatched piece of bread is not going to add 4 pounds to me, but if I add 2 pieces of pizza or 6 sausage balls or a milk shake, you can better believe it’s going to stick to me like glue on paper.

I actually have fantasies of just going off to a hotel room and ordering pizza and bringing in M&M’s and Cashews and Cheese-Its and Pringles and eating myself into a coma. WHY? WHY? WHY? I know it’s not worth it and I am not going to do it, but why does this have such a control over me? Actually picturing the scene at the hotel makes me not indulge in all the bad stuff at once. All I see is a big huge fat girl cramming junk into her mouth and left crying on the bed.

I appreciate all of your support and encouragement and if I have let any of you down, please, please forgive me. This thing ain’t over and I WILL be losing once again. Just stay with me.

Wagon Identity

Okay, if someone would just tell me which wagon I'm on, maybe I'll stop falling off and getting on the wrong one! Alright, already, I know which one I'm on, the weight losing one. Yes, I fell off this week. Terry's birthday was Wednesday and Katie and I baked him a cake. I didn't have a taste as I was making it, but once he blew out those candles, I jumped off that wagon as fast as I could. I have had some other small jumps throughout the week also, but seem to get right back in the wagon before anyone catches me gone. This jump made me feel angry, not just at myself for jumping, but at the band for not making me sick! That just sounds wrong, doesn't it? I guess until that first fill I'll be vulnerable to all kinds of foods. I thought that the band would make me sick if I put sugar, carbs or anything else in that I wasn't suppose to, but no, oh no, I actually have to make a conscience decision in what goes in my mouth! Go figure! You know I am an intelligent person and I have done all my research before this surgery, but I think psychologically I was hoping that somehow this band would do all the work for me.

Isn't that like all of us, wanting something that will do it all for us? I must say that my support system at the "Y" try their best to keep me going, unfortunately this sometimes leads to me having to do more work. Lisa and Faye seemed to be "understanding" about my slip, but Vicki, OMGosh, I hear her across the room saying, "You had CAKE"? Then she proceeded to tell me I would have to do 45 minutes on the treadmill instead of my usual 30. And let me tell you, I did it, cause I didn't want to do any pushups, which I was sure was going to come out of her mouth next! I'm not feeling as angry now, and am right back up in that wagon and intend on taking it across country without bailing, but if I do, don't worry, I'll be right back again!

The Best Scrambled Eggs in the World!

OMGosh! After 3 weeks of nothing but liquids, jello and sugar free popsicles, do you have any idea how good scrambled eggs are? My husband, as of now the best chef in the world, cooked me up my first "blended" food and they were delicious! Two eggs with about a quarter of a cup of part skim mozerrella cheese mixed in and being 22 grams of delicious, mouth watering protein! Had I known I would get this excited about eggs, I would have got the video camera out and taped my reaction. Would you like the narrative? Well you're going to get it anyway! LOL

I sat down at the table and put the napkin in my lap. Fork in hand my husband arrives and sets before me a plate with a wonderful aroma. I take in the smell for just a few seconds and then pierce the first bite onto my fork. I raise my fork to my opened mouth and close down on it with a sound that usually only comes from the bedroom. Each bite is just like the first and all I know is I don't want this to end. The moans coming from my lips are gratitude enough for my husband who just smiles. Then as the last bite passes my lips and enters my "small" pouch I realize I have taken eggs for granted. They are wonderful! I just can't wait til the next meal.

Change

I went to the doctor today and got an A on my checkup! Yeah me! According to their scales I have lost 17 lbs since the 7th of January. According to mine I have lost 20 lbs since January 1st. With 3 weeks of liquids you would think it would be more! They told me I could go to a blended diet. Okay I know you are asking, "What is a blended diet?". Imagine any kind of protein, i.e. eggs, chicken, tuna, etc. scrambled or finely chopped up, well, then there you have it. After this week the only change will be I don't have to chop it up. I will eat 3 meals a day with no snacking and will drink a minimum of 64 oz. of water and take vitamins. I go back in 5 weeks for a "fill". If I'm not getting hungry in between meals I may not need a fill. If you want to learn more about the band I have you can go to http://www.realizeband.com/ and read all about it. I started back exercising this week and I have managed to make it every day since Monday. I can't wait to heal all the way and start my strength training also.

You know I have really been reflecting this week about the changes I am making in my life. Change seems to be the banner for 2009. Change for our nation, change for my body and spirit, change for several friends I know. Barack Obama writes "Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek." This speaks volumes to me, because for the first time I really took a step towards change that required courage on my part. It's so easy for us to say we are going to do this or that and we seem to fall back into our same old patterns. But until we put actions to our words they are no more than that, just words. I encourage each of you to find something in your life that requires you to step out and make a change and take a deep breathe and do it! It may be starting a new bible study, changing your diet, stopping a bad habit, relocating to a new city or just an attitude change, whatever it is, grab a hold of it and take the steps to doing it! It is scary, it is exciting, but most of all it is change. And as Henri Bergson says "To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself". How intriguing, how inspiring, how wonderful! God is right there with you every step of the way and He will see you through it all!